SHERIFF (Alan Hale): Hey, what's that gizmo?
DR. VANCE (Steve Brodie): It's a Geiger counter.
SHERIFF: Geiger counter? Well, we don't have any Geigers around here! Never did have in these parts!
DR. VANCE: No, Sheriff, you misunderstand-you see, Doctor Geiger invented this to count-
DR. LANGER (Barbara Hale): No, Vance, I have a feeling the Sheriff is putting you on. I'm sure he's taken physics.
SHERIFF: Oh, I used to take physics, but now I find that prunes do the better job for me!

DAVE (Kevin Brodie): What's a space warp?
DR. VANCE: A space warp is a gravitational pull so intense that it makes a black hole in space.
DR. LANGER: There's only one thing I know of that could cause a warp like this--
DR. VANCE: A miniature black hole.
DR. LANGER: Mm hmmm.
DAVE: Could it happen?
DR. LANGER: Well, with a billion black holes in our galaxy, it's a wonder it hasn't happened before.

EV (Leslie Parrish): Nine dead animals ain't gonna cost us nothing?
DAN (Robert Easton): You're so dumb you wouldn't know rabbit turds from rice krispies. I'll butcher up the meat like I always do and I'll sell it to Dutch's Café!

DR.VANCE: Hi!
DR. LANGER: Hello.
DR.VANCE: Hi, I'm Dr. J.R. Vance from N.A.S.A.
DR. LANGER: Oh, I'm so glad you're here, Doctor. I'm Jenny Langer.
DR.VANCE: Nice to meet you. I have an appointment with your father.
DR. LANGER: Oh, no no. He passed away in 1962
DR.VANCE: Oh, I'm so sorry, then the appointment must be with your husband.
DR. LANGER: I'm not married.
DR.VANCE: I'm NOT sorry. Then it's probably with your brother.
DR. LANGER: No, my brother's an interior decorator in Oshkosh. You see, Doctor... Vance. I'm afraid your appointment is with me. I'm DOCTOR Jenny Langer.

DR. VANCE: I've never seen so much fouled up data in my life! It's against every known law of physics!

DR. LANGER: Looks like our black hole has turned into an open doorway from Hell!

SHERIFF: I don't know but I'll tell you what-he may work for God but he sure hollers like the devil!

EV: Sometimes the only way I know you're still alive is when I hear you flush the toilet.

SHERIFF: Ever see that movie Jaws? Well, it makes that shark look like a goldfish!

DR. LANGER: VAAANCE! VANCE!
DR. VANCE: What happened?
DR. LANGER: Spiders came out of the briefcase! They're coming from the geodes!
DR. VANCE: The WHAT?
DR. LANGER: Gee-ODES!
DR. VANCE: Gimmie that!

Compiled by David Kalat